New York Curmudgeon Tours

The fee for all of these walking tours is $25 coin of the realm. The Old Curmudgeon is himself a licensed sightseeing guide (anything less is a stretch in the pen). We operate on Saturday and Sunday (every once in a while... call to see when) from April Through November (December, January, February and March are just TOO TOO cold). The tours kick off (when we reach a quorum) at 10 am. Special tours are available (e-mail below).

Call us up to make reservations and to find out what the tours for the weekend will be. There is no way of knowing just exactly what will happen any given weekend. The tours may change, it might be too cold or too hot, a building may be collapsing somewhere along the tour route, and so on. And if it rains, forget it. So as you might imagine, reservations are sort of mandatory.

If you have a large group (and we LOVE large groups) we can arrange all sorts of special tours to weird places, special tours to not-so-weird places but ones you can't get into by yourself, and stuff like that. We can also (if you have a LARGE group) arrange a really nifty brunch or lunch or dinner almost anywhere. New Yorkers are really friendly to LARGE groups.

Here are a few common-sense standards by which we ask all walkers coming along with us to abide. Your cooperation is appreciated. Please read this whole page all the way down to the bottom before you take off with us.

Remember that this is a WALKING tour, and if you should have any medical condition that might impair your ability to participate, consult with your doctor before starting out. Our walks are not terribly grueling, but they do require a fair amount of stamina (hoofing through Times Square at noon with the temperature at 98 degrees Fahrenheit is not for the faint of heart). If you feel sick on a tour, please tell the Curmudgeon immediately.

And PLEASE drink plenty of water. Especially during the summer when you run the risk of serious fatigue if you do not consume adequate liquids. Often the fist sign of dehydration is not thirst, but light-headedness. Please bring a bottle of water with you. Should you need to find something to drink while on a tour, again tell the Curmudgeon. He won't think you're a pest, he may need a drink also.

Wear sunscreen. PLEASE. And a hat. ESPECIALLY in the summer. You may not know that you are getting a sunburn until it is too late. Sometimes the Curmudgeon carries sunblock; if you're nice, he may let you have some. Especially if you buy him a drink at the next intersection.

Dress appropriately. It can get hot in the summer and cold in the winter. During the spring and autumn it can get a little medium. Check out the Weather Channel or the Times. Dress in layers so that you can be comfortable with changes in temperature. Wear comfortable walking shoes. Sneakers are always good. The tours are about three hours long and we may have to dodge taxis or double-decker tour buses. That requires a little fancy footwork, so be forewarned.

Be careful with valuables. The areas which we visit are very safe, but be cautious anyway. If you are carrying money, be especially careful while passing the Disney Store. The temptation to lose your cash to certain International Entertainment Cartels is very great, especially when confronted by ubiquitously cute cartoon characters. Be careful with handbags, cameras and other valuables. NEW YORK CURMUDGEON TOURS and its personnel are not responsible for loss of property, as per our disclaimer below.

Kids must be accompanied by a parent or guardian. The Curmudgeon will NOT explain his jokes to anyone under the age of 12.

Please be considerate. And not only to animals. Anyone who engages in behavior which is deemed to be dangerous, illegal, disruptive or offensive to others will be kicked off the tour. Please obey all Traffic and Parks Department rules while on our tours.

Let the Curmudgeon know if you need to leave the tour early. He will be happy to tell you where to go.

NEW YORK CURMUDGEON TOURS and its personnel are not responsible for injury, death, loss of property or other damages which occur while participating in any of its functions.

We reserve the right to ask for proof of age, and to request a written medical clearance if a person's health is questionable. NEW YORK CURMUDGEON TOURS also reserves the right to tell anyone who engages in behavior that is deemed to be dangerous, illegal, offensive or disruptive to leave the tour.

These Guidelines are for everyone's best interests. If you have any questions about any of this, give us a call or send us a FAX or e-mail . If you aren't sure of your medical ability to handle a tour, consult with a medical professional first.

If all the above isn't too intimidating, please keep us in mind when you're planning your next trip to New York City.

If you would like to write to us to complain or make a bathroom reservation or to inquire whether New York is a decent place to visit, or for any other reason, here is our address: 400 West 43rd Street, #27M, New York, NY, 10036. We're just down the street from Times Square and the Disney Store, so I can even come and meet you to give you a personal tour of the area souvenir shops. Check it out! By the way, these web pages are copyrighted according to all the civilized laws of our embattled city, state, and nation.